


Jade English and the Great Explosion

by vulpineRaconteur



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-22 00:16:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulpineRaconteur/pseuds/vulpineRaconteur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Old lady Jade English is the head of a failing company, but a mysterious young woman is offering her a chance--at revenge!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jade English and the Great Explosion

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Cephalopod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cephalopod/gifts).



In the manner of many of the world’s great adventures, it started with an IM. 

For an 86-year-old woman, Jade English sure knew her way around a computer. And inside. Underneath a few, too. In fact she was building one, in her lab in the English Enterprises building, when she got the IM. She was stress building. She’d just gotten word from her eggheads in the Accounting Department that they were going to be out of business by the end of the month. She’d gone to her eggheads in the Problem Solving Department but no matter how many times they pushed the buttons on their weird machines the company was not in any better shape. One of them handed her an aspirin and a glass of water, though, which did at least solve the problem of her headache. 

So yeah, she was building a computer when all seven of the other computers in the room went off, indicating that she’d gotten an IM. She set the sneakertops down on the workbench and put her trusty eartops on. These were sort of like a headband, but they had big metal dog ears coming off the top that had all the chips and wires and other computer junk in them. There were earbuds, too, that went in her real ears, and a visor that went in front of her eyes. She definitely could have built it without the ears, by the way, she just thought they looked neat on her. Like she was some kind of futuristic space dog! So cool! 

In the visor she saw, to her dismay, that English Enterprises’ stock was dropping faster than a big round lab falling off a building. (She’d never seen something like that happen, but yeah, that would be really fast!) She also saw her PesterChum window blinking, and she saw that the IM was from an unfamiliar user. She opened the window. 

Long ago her eggheads in the Top Secret Department had given her a version of PesterChum that automatically hacked into the webcams of anyone she chatted with and sent her a live feed. Pretty creepy stuff, really, but it had been necessary in many campaigns she waged against the Batterwitch. Now her visor displayed a window that showed a pale-haired young woman, probably in her late twenties, hunching over her keyboard, drumming her fingers on her desk. 

rebellionsLight started pestering jusifiableEmpresscide 

RL: Ms. English?  
RL: Are you there, ma’am?  
JE: yes, i’m here!  
JE: didn’t have a computer on my head, sorry about that.  
JE: now who in blue blazes are you?!  
RL: My name is Rose Lalonde. I’m an aspiring novelist. I’ve been following your career for a few years now.  
RL: I’m sorry to contact you out of the blue like this, but I’m afraid we might not have much time.  
JE: oh no! time for what?  
RL: Time to steal some vital information from your “mother”.  
JE: :O!  
JE: young lady, you have my attention.  
RL: I’ll try to make this as quick as I can. There’s a lot to tell.   
RL: Ms. English, we’ve met before.  
RL: Sort of. 

* * * 

Jade built BEC when she was a spry young 62-year-old, and the poor thing’s age was starting to show. He stood tall enough that their shoulders were level, meaning when he sat she had to stretch up high to pat his nose. She updated his software every few years, but he moved slower than he used to. It was becoming a concern. How much longer would she have him by her side? She patted him on the side, her arthritic old hands curling around his warm white metal. 

“Alright, best friend. Got one more flight in you?” He turned his big head toward her. Can something stare, even blankly, if it hasn’t really got eyes? He opened his mouth and let out a bark that shook the room. She cackled and hugged his head. “Good dog.” 

The two of them walked out of Jade’s office and onto her balcony. It was spacious, and she had spared no expense in its construction, knowing the amount of stress it was going to be put under. She turned to BEC. 

“BEC,” Jade said, “sit!” 

He sat. 

“BEC,” she said, “lay down!” 

He laid down, regal and impassive as a sphinx. 

“BEC,” she said, “flight mode!” 

The Body Elevating Companion transformed into a rocket bike, his torso opening up for a seat, his head sliding down and forward so that it stuck out in front. His hind legs spun out in pieces until they widened into the rockets themselves, which started warming up the moment they emerged. Jade hobbled over to BEC and climbed into his cockpit. Once she was secure in her seat, he lifted off the balcony, cleared the building, and then blasted off. Jade was excited. She hadn’t been to California in years. 

On the ride, she decided to review once again the Pester chat she’d had with Ms. Lalonde a month ago, when they had first talked. The video played, synched to their typing. She had reached the point in the conversation where she’d patched the young lady into her own video feed, to be fair.

RL: What’s on your head?  
JE: hehe, this is my eartop! it’s a special computer that lets me communicate with my bec even from far away!  
RL: I see. And if this question isn’t too nosy, what are those colorful rings on your fingers? Are they reminders?  
JE: you mean my tattoos? heh, i guess you could call them reminders.  
JE: each one stands for a time the witch has wronged me!  
RL: That’s interesting. I should be less surprised that you have so many. What do the different colors represent?  
JE: oh! i just thought those colors were prettiest!!! :D 

Jade scrolled further back, to the point when Ms Lalonde had just finished explaining that they had known each other in a previous life. Or something. The young woman had said that in this other life, she had been some kind of seer and that was why she remembered everything even though Jade and everyone else had forgotten. Or something. 

JE: i’m happy to help in any way i can, but a lot of this stuff has just gone right over my head!  
  
In the video, Ms. Lalonde’s pixels smile.

RL: It’s okay. That was sort of your attitude then, too. You knew what you had to do, and you knew it was important even if you didn’t know why. Not knowing the why of things seemed to characterize our experience. Ultimately, paradox space ensures that we always make the right choices to achieve its ends, even against our own best interests.  
RL: Excuse me, I’m rambling again.  
RL: It’s really very comforting to talk to you, Ms. English. I can’t say my memories before the Scratch are perfect, but I do recall that “our” last conversation did not end very well.  
RL: Up until the end of my memories, in fact, your counterpart believed mine to be dead.  
JE: oh no!  
JE: what a sad thing for a child to think :(  
RL: I think it worked out, though, if us being here is any indication.  
RL: There is a lot of work to be done before our descendants arrive. I have considerably more time to prepare than you do, though.  
RL: That reminds me. In light of your company’s financial state, have you made arrangements for your future?  
JE: oh yes! i recently bought an island in the pacific for me to live on. the batterwitch herself has been using it for some sort of weird biological project that I fully intend to fuck up!!!  
RL: Well, if December 1st goes the way I think it will, you won’t be alone.  
JE: :D 

It was December 1st now, and Jade was almost to the factory. She could see the evil, stupid logo already, a giant red spoon buzzing bright into the early morning air. The factory was next to a big lake, polluted, no doubt, by the factory. Jade didn’t want to even think of all the poor fishes drowning in cake mix run off, forced to live in such sweet conditions. And not even one glass of milk! Jade shook a fist at the factory in rage. But no, she told herself. Now was not the time. There was work to be done. And she was on a clock.

She landed BEC on the roof and climbed out. He immediately transformed back and waited for her commands, perfectly still. Jade pulled up the blueprints in front of her eyes to orient herself. If she was there, then the secret roof access hatch was…

Mentally she sent BEC a command and he teleported several yards to her left, then proceeded to blast the hatch open with his nose laser. Jade laughed, half a giggle, half a cackle, as the metal door went flying through the air. “They know we’re here now, friend. Now track me from out here and be ready for my signal! You’ll never fit in the places I’m going.”

BEC did nothing.

“Oh!!! Don’t give me any of that guff!!! As if I would even leave the house unarmed!” She pulled two huge rifles from her specibus and winked at her companion, whose massive tail started to wag at a near-supersonic speed. “See you soon, BEC!” Jade jumped down through the roof.

* * *

It took her almost two hours to get into the Batterwitch’s secret office. She had encountered and taken out a couple dozen guards along the way. Her rifles were non-lethal, of course. She had invented them herself! One of them shot bullets that opened up to release about thirty tangle buddies that would grip to the target for 3 hours, or until the person had to go to the bathroom, because if not they might have an accident or something and that would be way too mean! Sure they’re non-lethal but they don’t have to make up for it by being RUDE! The other one emitted a gas that made people stop and think about how great it is to just be alive right now, like how cool is it that you get to be alive??? The world is so cool!! When people get like that, Jade’s research has shown, they aren’t very likely to want to kill you.

So yeah she got to the secret office, a trail of Squiddle-cuddled and existentially thrilled guards in her wake, and looked around for the computer but found a surprise instead. 

“John?!” 

Jade’s older brother was standing in the room in front of a big window. He turned to look at her. 

“Oh wow! Hi Jade!” He hobbled toward her. “It’s been years! I’m so happy to see you! Wow! What are you, uh, doing here?” He glanced between her guns and her shocked face. 

“I’m here to take down CrockerCorp, John! What do you think?!” 

John laughed. “Oh man, you’re still doing that? I never got your whole fight with Mom but you know, if it makes you guys happy.” 

She narrowed her eyes at him and shook her head. Then she had an idea. 

“Actually, I’m here to pull a prank on her.” 

John’s eyes lit up. “Really?! What kind of prank?” 

“I’m going to take her computer and leave with it! Won’t it be funny, when she comes back in and sees it’s gone?? She’ll be all ‘Glub glub where’s my computer glub glub I’m a huge bitch!’” Jade put on a high-pitched voice and waved her rifles around while she pretended to be her one-time adoptive mother. John frowned. 

“That doesn’t really sound like a prank. That sounds more like…stealing….”

“Well, okay, it is stealing. I was trying to prank you when I said it was a prank. I’m taking that computer, though, and I don’t think you can stop me.” 

“Aw, c’mon, Jade, why does it have to be like this?” 

Jade glanced into the corner of her screen in her glassestop at the clock and saw she was running out of time. “Sorry, John.” She fired the Squiddle gun at him. At point blank, those suckers will knock you right over. Fortunately, they’re really, really squishy, so John landed safely on the ground with a squeak. Jade rushed over to the desk and captcha’d the computer. As easy as that, she thought. Suddenly, she felt the wet slap of a pie hitting the back of her head. She turned and saw John standing up, surrounded by baked goods from his specibus. 

“Hoo hoo hoo,” he said, another pie cocked back and aimed right at her. “The joke’s on you, English. I’m an old man, now. I ALWAYS have to go to the bathroom!!!” His arm swung forward. 

The pie was seconds too late, hitting the desk with a splat. Jade moved so fast John couldn’t keep up with her. She wrapped one arm around his wizened old frame and held tight. “I’m on a tight schedule, John. I haven’t got time for this!” She pressed a button on her watchtop and the two of them teleported away. 

Before John knew what had happened, he found himself standing outside his own house, several miles from the factory. Jade was standing beside him, looking up at the sky and saying “no no no no” over and over. He followed her gaze and saw a huge meteor coming down, only minutes away from colliding with the earth. 

“Oh wow!” John said, even though Jade wasn’t listening, just pounding away at her various compuccessories. “A meteor headed straight for earth, with no time to spare! Wow! That would be a great idea for a movie!” 

“C’mon, c’mon,” Jade was saying. 

“Hey, wait, it’s headed straight for the factory! Oh no, Jade, there’s people in there! We have to—“

“What do you think I’m doing right now?!” she shouted and then they were surrounded by people, many of whom were covered in plush toys or staring, amazed, at their surroundings. There was a rumble as BEC appeared, flying toward them. 

“Phew,” Jade said. “Everything went according to plan. Except you, John. What were you even doing there?” 

“Mom asked to see me!” he said cheerfully. “She told me to meet her in her secret office at that factory. We arranged it months ago. I would meet her there, on this day in exactly two minutes from now. Oh, wait! I don’t see Mom! Was she still inside?” 

“Jeez, John. She was never there. She was trying to get you killed!” 

“Huh?? How??” 

There was a tremendous noise as the meteor touched down. The blast was enough to knock back everyone on the street, even at that distance. Smoke rolled from the crater where the factory had once been. 

“BATTERWITCH!!!!!” Jade shook her fist to the heavens, but she was overjoyed. It had all gone off without a hitch. And now was the part she was looking forward to most. She turned to her brother. 

“Would you like to meet your grandnephew?”


End file.
